Drowning. It is a suffocating feeling. You feel like you are going to die, you know that you will die. And yet, sometimes you make it out alive.
Once when I was younger, I drowned in a pool of water. I dipped into the water despite the fact that I had no idea how to swim. I just believed that if I was careful enough, I would be able to float over the water. Before I knew it, I was surrounded by water. It tasted like chlorine, so salty. And it was all blue. I never liked the color blue before that, I always found pink more alluring. I kept waving my arms, fighting the water. I would’ve died that day. In that moment of utter confusion and panic, I was sure I wouldn’t survive. So my mind told me to quit struggling, that it was of no use. And so, I quit.
Well, I’m here writing this post which can mean two things. Either I did die that day and this is my ghost blogging on my behalf. Or, the more sensible choice, I survived.
The weirdest part of it all was that when the water finally let me go, no one had been aware of my sinking stunt. It was like I was never even drowning.
Today, as I am drowning again in that blue, I can feel myself struggling once more. I am constantly battling that chlorine-flavored water. But now, I actually like the color blue. Yet again, the water is overwhelming me and no one can hear my cries. My faith lies in the hope that if I can fight the water and reach the surface, I’ll be okay. But maybe, that’s just a mirage my desiccated mind is conjuring up. The actual escape lies in that memory of me drowning years ago. I survived when I gave up, when I let myself drown.
So maybe, it’s time to let myself drown all over again. And quit fighting the blue once and for all.
– Rubani Kaur
Photography Credit: Unknown