You Don’t Need Water To Feel Like You Are Drowning

Drowning. It is a suffocating feeling. You feel like you are going to die, you know that you will die. And yet, sometimes you make it out alive.

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Once when I was younger, I drowned in a pool of water. I dipped into the water despite the fact that I had no idea how to swim. I just believed that if I was careful enough, I would be able to float over the water. Before I knew it, I was surrounded by water. It tasted like chlorine, so salty. And it was all blue. I never liked the color blue before that, I always found pink more alluring. I kept waving my arms, fighting the water. I would’ve died that day. In that moment of utter confusion and panic, I was sure I wouldn’t survive. So my mind told me to quit struggling, that it was of no use. And so, I quit.

Well, I’m here writing this post which can mean two things. Either I did die that day and this is my ghost blogging on my behalf. Or, the more sensible choice, I survived.

The weirdest part of it all was that when the water finally let me go, no one had been aware of my sinking stunt. It was like I was never even drowning.

Today, as I am drowning again in that blue, I can feel myself struggling once more. I am constantly battling that chlorine-flavored water. But now, I actually like the color blue. Yet again, the water is overwhelming me and no one can hear my cries. My faith lies in the hope that if I can fight the water and reach the surface, I’ll be okay. But maybe, that’s just a mirage my desiccated mind is conjuring up. The actual escape lies in that memory of me drowning years ago. I survived when I gave up, when I let myself drown.

So maybe, it’s time to let myself drown all over again. And quit fighting the blue once and for all.

– Rubani Kaur


Photography Credit: Unknown

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. Wow. Beautifully written. So glad you made it out of the water alive. Your feeling of no one ever knowing you were drowning–that’s what it feels like to be emotionally drowning. You captured it perfectly.

    Liked by 1 person

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